


Work & Pleasure

by theragingstorm



Category: DCU, Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, Friends With Benefits, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Multi, Post-Season/Series 02, Pre-Slash, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Screenplay/Script Format, just a little bit, mockumentary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 17:00:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9912407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theragingstorm/pseuds/theragingstorm
Summary: After the invasion, not much fazes the Team anymore. Not much, except for secret friends-with-benefits arrangements and intrusions on each other’s privacy.In which Bart fancies himself a director, Jaime regrets everything, Tim is scarred for life, Kaldur has many headaches, and Bruce doesn't want to admit that his eldest baby's all grown up.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I really should've finished this in time for actual Valentine's Day. Oh well.

INT: JUSTICE LEAGUE WATCHTOWER

[]

Time: February 11, 2017; 10:47 EST.

[Camera pans over meeting room. The only occupants appear to be an oversized white wolf, asleep on the floor, and Robin, also on the floor, engrossed with his laptop.]

Narrator: Welcome to the daily lives of those of us in the Watchtower, brought to you by yours truly, filmed and edited by my her-man-o here–

Cameraman: You’re still pronouncing it wrong.

Narrator: I have no idea what you’re talking about, her-man-o. Speaking of my friends, there’s Robin over there! Looks like someone’s had too much coffee again.

[The camera pans to Robin. Despite the fact that he’s wearing a mask, his face still looks tense. His foot taps repeatedly against the floor.]

Narrator: Unfortunately, our ex-leader, his big bro Nightwing, took off for some reason a while ago, so you won’t be seeing him around here. Let’s go to some of the other residents of the Watchtower.

[]

[Miss Martian and Beast Boy are seated on the couch, preoccupied with the sitcom on the television screen. Every minute or so, canned laughter fills the background. Tigress, for her part, is seated before the camera.]

Tigress: You know I think this is a great idea, getting the League and the Team to have a better public persona after the whole invasion thing. But Batman’s gonna kill you if you make us look unprofessional.

Narrator: Nah, we’re crash. I’m the picture of professional! Besides, he’ll have to catch me first.

Cameraman: Weren’t you the one who was hiding behind my little sister when he snuck into my house in the middle of the night to deliver that dossier?

Narrator: Your sister doesn’t have a fear gland. So, Tigress. What’s it like living up here?

Tigress: Well, I don’t actually live here, for one thing. But I will tell you what it’s like. Two words–

Beast Boy: [distant] Unlimited cable!

Tigress: No! Well, yeah, actually. But I was gonna say: nosy superheroes.

Narrator: Oh, really? You think our watchers will wanna hear some gossip, T?

Tigress: No. Wasn’t your idea in the first place to educate people about the more normal aspects of the League? Our gossip isn’t exactly normal. Remember when Zatanna–

Miss Martian: [distant] Artemis, you’re doing it now.

Tigress: Well, why don’t YOU talk to him then, M'gann?

[]

[Tigress has left the room. Beast Boy is now the only person on the couch. Miss Martian now faces the camera.]

Miss Martian: No, we actually have a lot of laughs! People assume that just because we save the world a lot, that we don’t have time to do anything else. But you can certainly have time for hobbies; like baking, or eating, in some people’s cases –

Beast Boy: [indistinct]

Miss Martian: It’s not my fault Bart ate the last of your cookies, Garfield! You should’ve labeled them!

Narrator: Thank you!

Miss Martian: But in any case, we all have a lot of fun. And because there are so many of us, you never run out of people to talk to. I think the others should be coming back through the zeta tubes any minute now, actually…

[]

[The camera directly faces the zeta tube entrances. Multiple people emerge, in twos and threes. Before long, the lens encompasses nearly all of the Team and several of the League.]

Narrator: Crash! Everyone’s back from taking on the Legion of Doom!

Batman: [glowers at the camera]

Narrator: Of course, some people are happier about this than others.

Wonder Woman: Ignore Batman. He’s just grouchy because his butler’s on a well-deserved vacation in Maui and now he has to do his own cooking. Also, it’s almost Valentine’s Day and his girlfriend’s out of town again because of some jewelry shipment in Bludhaven–

Batman: Catwoman is NOT my girlfriend.

[Exit Batman. Exit Wonder Woman, still making fun of him.]

Narrator: Now let’s go to some folks in a better mood.

[]

Bumblebee: Balancing hero work and grad school and a social life can be a drag sometimes, you know? But you gotta find your balance and you gotta make it work, cause it’s worth it.

Guardian: Like a relationship.

Bumblebee: Like a good relationship, you mean.

Guardian: Good point. Some of these folks and their crazy love lives, oh man…

[]

Superboy: No, I do not have a girlfriend. Anymore. Or a boyfriend. It’s…kind of hard to date when you don’t physically age. Or when you get mad and accidentally rip off the restaurant door and then Aqualad shows up and then–

Narrator: Moving on.

[]

Wonder Girl: I love being on the team! Everyone’s so supportive, and there’s always good food, and the older girls throw the best sleepovers. I know everything about everyone now…like Karen’s “Mal in a sock” story still cracks me up – oh, but I’m not supposed to gossip right now. Oh, and I still can’t believe how cute everyone here is. There’s not a single bad-looking person here, human or otherwise. Right, Jaime?

Cameraman: Um…

Narrator: MOVING ON.

[]

[The crowds have finally thinned. Aqualad sits at the conference table, looking pensive. Robin still has not moved from his place on the floor.]

Aqualad: Well, to be honest, I don’t know if I’m the best person to ask about normalcy. For one thing, I’ve always had a pretty strict policy about keeping my personal life separate from my work life.

Narrator: You’re the only one here that does that, buddy.

Aqualad: Unfortunately. I’ve especially noticed the change in the Team since Nightwing returned leadership to me. He wasn’t a bad leader, far from it, but perhaps he…encouraged…some unprofessional behavior.

Narrator: Not in me! As I’ve said before, I was the picture of professionalism.

Cameraman: [under his breath] Mentiroso.

Narrator: You say something, her-man-o?

Cameraman: Nope.

Aqualad: As I was saying, this team has become very preoccupied with each other’s romances. Of course I’m happy that they’re happy, but I worry that their lack of focus could interfere with their social and work lives. Batgirl, at least, seems to share my concerns.

Robin: Her telling me off about scaring Cassie away doesn’t mean she shares your concerns.

Aqualad: What makes you say that?

Robin: Um…because she’s been sleeping with my brother for over a year now? What else what I be talking about…and…you didn’t know, did you?

[Close-up on Aqualad’s shocked expression.]

Cameraman: Um…what were we talking about before?

Aqualad: I…am not sure.

Narrator: Hey Rob, are you sure it’s true? Nightwing’s not just bragging or anything?

Robin: I’m his brother, Bart. He and she and I are over at the manor together more often than not. I have…heard things. Seen things. Been butt-dialed things. [shudders] Oh god, it’s worse than the Catwoman situation.

Aqualad: And they haven’t learned by now that two teammates dating is likely to end poorly?

Robin: Okay, a) I resent that; Cassie’s and my break-up was not my fault. Entirely. And b) they’re not dating.

Narrator: Say what?

[]

Bumblebee: HA! CALLED IT! Cough it up, ladies!

[Grumbling loudly, Miss Martian, Zatanna, and Rocket each give Bumblebee twenty dollars, the total of which she splits with Tigress.]

Zatanna: You’ve made your point, Karen. Apparently Raquel and I may not know everything about Nightwing’s sexual preferences after all.

Rocket: The hair makes sense, though. He make you wear that red wig too?

Zatanna: I thought I was the only one he asked to do that!

Miss Martian: [touches hair] Red wig?

Tigress: M'gann, we will thoroughly discuss our fearless former leader’s hair fetish later. In great detail. But right now, I gotta know how our friend has been tapping that for over a year and SAID NOTHING.

Miss Martian: Which of them is the “friend” and which is the “that?”

Tigress: Both.

Bumblebee: Batgirl’s a very private lady; it makes sense that she wasn’t blabbing all over the place about gettin’ some outside a relationship. Batman would have an aneurysm.

Narrator: Nightwing though? He’s not secretive about who he’s did it with.

Tigress: “Did it?” What are you, thirteen?

Narrator: Actually, yeah.

Tigress: Shit. Should he be hearing this?

Cameraman: He’s from a dystopian future where I take over the world. I’m pretty sure he’s heard worse. Ah! I don’t care if that wasn’t your fault; it still almost happened!

Miss Martian: Um…anyway, the thing about Di – Nightwing, is that he respects and cares about Batgirl a lot. She’s his best friend now that Wally’s….um….not around anymore. If she didn’t want to tell anyone, it would make sense that he wouldn’t either.

[Tigress wipes her eyes.]

Zatanna: Huh. You make it sound like he’s in love with her.

Narrator: Do you think he is?

Rocket: Don’t ask us. We’re trying to reduce the level of gossip around here, remember?

Narrator: Well, what do you want me to do? Ask Batgirl? I’d be moded.

[]

[The camera slowly pans around the cluttered office before settling on the young redheaded woman in black armor. Her cowl is up; she sits at her desk before several holographic displays and a half-drunk cup of coffee. She appears aggravated.]

Batgirl: It is absolutely NONE of your business who I’m having sex with, Kid Flash. Besides, you can’t be more than…what, twelve?

Cameraman: [sniggers]

Narrator: Thirteen! Besides, not the point. Office dating; not a good thing. Remember Rob and Cassie?

Batgirl: If Robin’s going to panic and run away into a doorframe when a girl takes off her bra in front of him, then she’s going to dump him whether they work together or not. And Nightwing and I aren’t dating.

Narrator: Everyone keeps saying that! Er, not the bra thing, I mean. Ugh. But you two hang out all the time outside work, you tell everyone about how great each other are, you buy each other nice things, you hug a lot, you apparently also have sex…does dating mean something different in the past?

Batgirl: If we defined dating by most of those examples, the entire Team would be dating each other. Nightwing and I are just friends. Friends who have sex sometimes. That’s it. Now, do either of you have any relevant things to ask me?

Narrator: Ehhhh, no. And I’m not gonna argue with you. C'mon Blue, let’s go.

[Camera is jostled and moved along the hallway, not fixated on any one point.]

Narrator: [undertone] Did you do it?

Cameraman: [undertone] Yeah, when she was busy being scary. It’s right underneath her desk, so if Nightwing comes by to visit again, we’ll know if they say anything mushy or if it’s just business like it’s supposed to be.

Narrator: Crash! Hey, first one to lunch gets the last piece of cheesecake!

Cameraman: Jesucristo! Bart, don’t you dare eat that cheesecake without me!

[Camera is turned upside down and off.]

[]

Time: February 12, 2017; 2:14 pm EST.

[The camera opens up to a wide shot of the Justice League meeting table. But instead of the Justice League, the chairs are occupied by the members of the Team instead. Every single current member is in the shot; excluding only the Cameraman, the Narrator, and Batgirl.]

Aqualad: We do NOT need to play the tape again. There are too many underage members here.

Miss Martian: What if we just cut out the…explicit parts?

Superboy: The whole thing is an explicit part. [looks haunted]

Narrator: You okay there, Supey?

Superboy: Thanks to you and Beetle, no, I am not. I have super-hearing, remember? I could hear every single thing that was happening in that tape; even the things the device couldn’t pick up so well. Every little sucking and squelching–

Wonder Girl: Man, you are totally scarring me for future sex.

Aqualad: Yes, we get the idea, Superboy.

Beast Boy: Well, I finally understand why she calls him Di–

Everyone: [at the same time] SHUT UP!

Beast Boy: Um…she calls him something…that’s…not a synonym for penis?

[Collective groans.]

Cameraman: Real smooth, Gar.

Tigress: Well, regardless, we still should go over the tape again. There’s important information pertaining to one of our leaders. It’s not, y'know, because I wanna masturbate to the idea of it or anything.

Aqualad: [sighs, rubs forehead] Everyone under the age of sixteen, get out.

Narrator: What!? But I’m the one who got that tape for you!

Tigress: Yeah, and you’re thirteen.

Narrator: Ah, damn it, I was hoping you wouldn’t say that. Gar, Rob, Cassie, you coming?

Wonder Girl: Yeah, thank Hera.

[]

_[moans]_

_“Yeah, take it you dirty [beep]. You like that, don’t you? Good…because I’m gonna [beep] your [beep][beep] until you [beep], and even then I won’t stop. Mmm, don’t try to move your hands baby, I tied them too tight for that. You know how pretty you look right now? How pretty you are with a [beep] full of [beep]?”_

_[moans again] “Oh, Babs…”_

[]

Superboy: [sarcastically] How romantic.

Tigress: [seriously] I know, right? What a woman. It’s not every team that you find TWO hot redheads that’ll tie you up and–

Cameraman: I regret everything. I’m going to have nightmares.

Bumblebee: And I just won, like, five more bets.

Aqualad: Poseidon help me.

[Batgirl enters from behind. Er, so to speak. This time.]

Batgirl: Are we having a team meeting? You all know that the infiltration of the League of Assassins was already covered in yesterday’s briefing.

Lagoon Boy: And we also all know that you’ve been going behind our backs and knocking barnacles with that pretty boy for more than a year!

Batgirl: …What?

Lagoon Boy: Knocking barnacles.

Miss Martian: Exploring caves?

Guardian: Playing “hide the eggplant.”

Superboy: Making horrible noises.

Tigress: Straight. Up. Banging.

Beast Boy: [distant] Man, you guys are nasty. Can we come back in now?

Cameraman: Yeah, sure, the danger’s over.

Batgirl: Not for you all, it’s not.

[]

[From the next room, the viewer can hear Batgirl indistinctly shouting at the team members two at a time. Everyone else is still at the meeting table, waiting their turn to be shouted at.]

Narrator: So folks, did our hard work risking life and limb pay off?

Robin: No! What are you, me, Cassie, and Gar about to get shouted at for? We didn’t listen to the tape! We didn’t even want to listen to the tape!

Narrator: [under his breath] Speak for yourself.

Cameraman: [also under his breath] Believe me, ese, it’s not worth it.

Bumblebee: I thought it was adorable.

Guardian: [stares at her]

Bumblebee: Y'know, in a kinky, office-sex kind of way. Afterwards, they were really sweet with each other…believe me, there’s more than just attraction going on here.

[]

_“Dick?”_

_“Yeah, Babs?”_

_“You okay?”_

_“Oh, I’m fine. Your couch is just a little scratchy, that’s all.”_

_“…”_

_“Also, I don’t want to head home just yet.”_

_“Well, I have nothing to do for the rest of the night. Wanna stay over?”_

_“In the Watchtower? With my friends and honorary aunts and uncles around? What if they see me?”_

_“We can cuddle if you want.”_

_“…You make a very persuasive case, Ms. Gordon.”_

_“It’s what I do.”_

_“…”_

_“And for the record?”_

_“Mm-hm?”_

_“I really like having you over.”_

_“I like being over with you…[indistinct]”_

_“What was that?”_

_“Nothing. G'night, Babs.”_

[]

Narrator: So we’re seeing a very strong possibility of them being in love?

Bumblebee: I was gonna say he has a crush on her, but I guess that works too.

Tigress: There was less “on” and more “in” happening in that tape, Karen.

Robin: I really, really, really, don’t want to hear any more–

Superboy: I don’t think it’s a crush.

[Everyone looks at him. Camera focuses in on his thoughtful expression.]

Superboy: I don’t think the rest of you could hear it, but he said…

Aqualad: Said what?

Superboy: Never mind. I probably heard it wrong anyway.

Miss Martian: That’s okay; just tell us, Conner. What do you think he–?

Nightwing: [from a distance] Hey guys. What are you having a meeting for? Is something going on?

Robin: [screams incoherently]

[]

[Nightwing sits alone on the couch in the television room. He is completely naked except for a domino mask and a women’s Gotham Knights sweatshirt tied around his waist. The wide part of the sweatshirt only covers his groin; leaving his rear end exposed.]

Nightwing: Well, Batgirl wanted to keep this quiet, but I guess the secret’s out now, huh?

Narrator: Don’t worry about it, dude. You were and she is our fearless leader. We weren’t gonna think less of you guys just ‘cause were doing – uh, I mean…making love?

Cameraman: Nice save.

Nightwing: Thanks, KF. Anyway, Batgirl’s been one of my best friends since I was a kid, and I’m really lucky to have her. Er, so to speak.

Narrator: Can’t relate, but go on.

Nightwing: It all started late at night on my nineteenth birthday; after we’d saved Metropolis, gone home, and no one else was around.

Cameraman: Okay, now I’m kind of worried about where this is going.

Nightwing: We talked, we kissed, we went into my apartment and –

Cameraman: DUDE! DON’T NEED THE DETAILS!

Nightwing: Sorry. Anyway, she said that we – specifically, me – weren’t ready for an exclusive relationship yet. So we agreed to keep it just a casual thing on the down-low. It’s not supposed to be a romantic thing.

[]

Superboy: If it’s not supposed to be a romantic thing, then why did he say that he loved her?

Narrator: HE SAID WHAT?

Superboy: Towards the end, where the rest of you – and she – couldn’t make it out.

Cameraman: That’s gonna make things awkward if Batgirl doesn’t feel the same way.

Narrator: Understatement of the century, her-man-o. And I would know.

Superboy: I think things are already awkward with Batgirl.

[]

[Batgirl’s office. Her glare is currently putting every single one Batman has ever done to shame.]

Batgirl: You two had better have a good excuse for bugging my office.

Narrator: Heh. Bugging.

Cameraman: Not funny.

Batgirl: I mean: what were you thinking!? What did you possibly think could come out of that? I already told you the truth about my relationship with him; there was no reason to go digging around for more.

Narrator: Ehhhhh…that’s not what the rest of the Team thinks.

[]

[REPLAY]

Robin: I told you; I don’t want to know anything about my brother’s sex life. But I mean, if he were going to have a serious relationship with someone, I can’t think of anyone better than Batgirl. They’re really good for each other.

Tigress: It’s not often that someone comes along who’s a true friend, willing to call you out on your shit, and cuddles you after doing nasty things to you. And yet, she’s all of the above.

Miss Martian: I think he’d be really good for inspiring her to come out of her comfort zone. She’s a practical woman, and he’s a dreamer, and that works, right Bee?

Bumblebee: If it’s worth it, absolutely!

Aqualad: Admittedly, inappropriate workplace sex aside, I’m still surprised that they’d keep this hidden from their friends and coworkers. They work well together and genuinely care for each other. We would’ve been nothing but supportive.

Robin: Maybe that IS the reason they kept this hidden…

[END REPLAY]

[]

Batgirl: [blushing and glaring at the same time] That’s not relevant. And you two are here to be yelled at, not to interview me!

Narrator: Sorry.

Batgirl: Now put that thing away. Aqualad and I will issue your punishments tomorrow. To start off–

[Camera switches off.]

[]

Time: February 13, 2017; 6:55 p.m.

[Narrator is staring directly into the camera in horror. His hair is in disarray, his yellow uniform is stained with various dull colors, and his eyes are far wider than is healthy.]

Narrator: Cleanup duty! I can’t believe they put us on mealtime cleanup duty. Do you KNOW how much Cassie and Ms. Diana eat? Or even how much Grandpa Barry eats? And La'gaan and Conner are morally obligated to get into a food fight when they’re within ten feet of each other, and–

Cameraman: Why are YOU complaining? I don’t have super speed! It took me half an hour to get that congealed rice pudding off the ceiling!

Narrator: I think this documentary has long crossed the line from being about any sort of “normal” about our lives, buddy.

Cameraman: What, they don’t have forbidden office romances in the future?

Narrator: I dunno, I never cared enough about the Reach’s interpersonal relationships to ask. How do you think they even–?

Cameraman: Don’t even go there.

[]

[The camera focuses on Aqualad’s face within his office. Despite the fact that it’s zoomed in quite closely, the viewer can still tell that Batgirl is absent from the room.]

Aqualad: I hope that teaches the two of you not to spy on your teammates.

Cameraman: [under his breath] I think just listening to the tape taught me that plenty. [aloud] We won’t do it again.

Narrator: What he said.

Aqualad: Good. Because we won’t tolerate that kind of invasion of privacy again.

[He looks back and forth, then leans in closer to the camera.]

Aqualad: But I would like you to tell Barbara, sometime when she’s less angry, that if she and Dick care about each other, they should perhaps stop beating around the reef and take the other out to an overpriced meal; as romantically involved surface-dwellers are wont to do.

Narrator: Some things really do never change.

Aqualad: I will take your word for it. In fact, I think…wait, why is the light on that camera blinking? Have you two been recording this whole time?

Narrator: Thanks for everything, boss-man. Gotta go now for absolutely no reason, bye!

Aqualad: You had better not–

[]

[The meeting table. It is empty, except for Nightwing, who is blushing under his mask.]

Nightwing: Love? Uh…who said…who said I was in love with Batgirl?

Narrator: Eh, a little birdie.

Cameraman: [under his breath] More like a very large birdie.

Narrator: Besides dude, you do, like, everything that dating people do except go on actual dates.

Nightwing: That’s just being really good friends.

Narrator: Man, that excuse doesn’t even work with gay people; straight people just shouldn’t TRY to use it.

Nightwing: I’m BI, first of all. Second of all, Barb – er, Batgirl’s not interested in an exclusive relationship. She knows I’m not ready for her yet. So even if I wanted to be her boyfriend, I couldn’t.

Cameraman: Ese, none of that is a denial that you’re in love with her.

[The camera focuses in up close on Nightwing’s face. His blush has only intensified. Several seconds pass, and he still doesn’t contradict that statement.]

Narrator: I knew it! Holy gross bug-fuckers; you ARE!

Cameraman: DUDE! Uncalled for!

Narrator: Sorry. But does BG know you’re in love with her?

Nightwing: Would it be too pathetic of me to say that it’s complicated?

[]

Robin: I don’t know man, maybe it would do him good to have a girlfriend.

Wonder Girl: That settles it. We need to set them up, like, into an actual relationship instead of just kinky sex. Preferably by tomorrow.

Robin: Why, what’s tomorrow?

Wonder Girl: …I really, really hope you’re joking.

Beast Boy: Tomorrow’s V-Day. On par with actual D-Day when it comes to danger.

Cameraman: That’s not even a little bit true.

Beast Boy: Dude, all the girls I’ve ever liked have tried to kill me. One of them was the poster child for Heel Face Revolving Door, and the other’s kind of a scary witch–

Robin: I don’t wanna know.

Narrator: Maybe you should listen to him, Rob. You could stand some love advice. I mean, even your big brother’s in more a successful relationship than you were.

Robin: I don’t – that wasn’t – HE’S NOT EVEN IN A RELATIONSHIP YET!

Narrator: Heh. Still…

[Camera shuts off.]

[]

Time: February 14, 2017; 8:12 a.m. EST.

[The shot is partially obscured by a corner. The rest clearly shows the Justice League all gathered around their meeting table. Most of them appear to be in good moods. Batman is scowling.]

Green Arrow: So can we forgo the bickering and posturing for once and wrap this meeting up ASAP? Black Canary and I have a mission back in Star City that we need to complete.

Red Tornado: Another…“hot date?”

Green Arrow: What makes you think that?

Black Canary: Ollie, you’re about as subtle as a steamroller with a siren on top.

Flash: This coming from the woman whose power is screaming.

Black Canary: This coming from the man in bright red spandex with tiny model lightning bolts on his head.

Narrator: [under his breath] Canary, 1. Grandpa Barry, 0.

Batman: All of you, shut up. Canary, how did the mission in Bludhaven go?

Black Canary: Not bad. Busted the magic drug smugglers, contacted the intergalactic council for J'onn’s meeting on Neptune next month, then Batgirl let me crash with her for the night. All in a day’s work.

Batman: Good. I’ll expect a full report by – wait, why was Batgirl in Bludhaven?

Narrator: Here we go.

Black Canary: Are you making a joke? Oh my god, Batman’s making a joke. Look, I thought it went without saying that Nightwing let me crash over there too. It was his apartment they let me stay at, after all. She and he were right in the room next door.

Superman: Ah, those kids. I suppose it was inevitable, but it still seems like only yesterday he was running around in tights and calling me “Uncle Cl–”

Batman: Batgirl was staying over at Nightwing’s apartment!?

Black Canary: Why wouldn’t she be? I mean, they’ve been sleeping together for over a year…

[Camera quickly pans over the astonished faces of the Leaguers before settling on Batman’s look of shock and outrage.]

Black Canary: …And you didn’t know, did you. Uh. Shit.

[Brief moment of silence.]

Green Lantern 1: I…I KNEW IT! BARRY! BARRY! PAY UP, I TOLD YOU SO!

Flash: [handing Green Lantern a crumpled bill] I really thought for sure it would be Starfire…

[Everyone starts talking at once.]

Zatanna: I told you, Raquel, it’s a redhead thing.

Rocket: Did I say I didn’t believe you?

Superman: [through tears] My first nephew’s all grown up…

Wonder Woman: Mm, he’s not good enough for her. But to be fair, no one is.

Captain Marvel: Oh! Do you think that he took her out to eat–

Batman: MY SON’S BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY PROTÉGÉE FOR OVER A YEAR AND NEITHER OF THEM BOTHERED TO TELL ME!?

Captain Marvel: –ice cream?

Narrator: Is fathers castrating their own sons a thing in this time period?

Cameraman: Let’s not stick around to find out.

[]

Beast Boy: Yeah, uh, so Bumblebee and Guardian are off scheming right now, so no, I don’t think they’ll be available for commentary. They just wanna get boss-lady and ex-boss-man to admit their feelings for each other as soon as possible so they can have the rest of the day together.

Miss Martian: I don’t blame them. I remember how difficult it is to work with two people in denial about their feelings for each other. Barbara and Di – I mean, Batgirl and Nightwing practically have mutual love rolling off them in waves. I wonder if I could–

Superboy: No.

Miss Martian: But I didn’t even say–

Superboy: NO. I’d rather have them be in denial.

[]

Nightwing: She’s not in denial. It’s worse.

Narrator: What’s worse than denial?

Nightwing: She thinks – I mean, knows that I’m not ready for a mature relationship, and so we can’t progress beyond sex.

Cameramen: No wonder you’re feeling the mode, so to speak. And believe me, I know all about feeling the mode.

Narrator: Hey, leave the awkward jokes that make everyone uncomfortable to me, her-man-o.

Cameraman: Sorry.

Narrator: No problemo. But Nightwing, why doesn’t she–

Nightwing: I shouldn’t share any more than what be an intrusion on Batgirl’s privacy. You wanna know more, you better ask her.

Narrator: Man, you’re so modeing sensitive. Why isn’t Batgirl dating you again? If I were five years older and more attractive, I would totally date you.

Cameraman: I think you better leave him for Batgirl, ese. Also, you’re cute the way you are.

Narrator: Aww.

[]

Batgirl: You two really have a lot of nerve following me around with that thing.

[Camera is shaking slightly, following Batgirl consistently as she walks down a hallway.]

Batgirl: And if you plan on bugging – sorry, Jaime – my office again, I’m going to string you up by your thumbs and hang you off the side of the Watchtower.

Cameraman: After what I heard, there’s no need to worry about that again.

Narrator: We’re not gonna be creepy. We just want you to marry Nightwing and have acrobatic babies that also overuse the eyes-and-magnifying-glasses emojis; that’s all.

Batgirl: I told Karen, what happens in the group chat stays in the group chat! Also: excuse me?

Narrator: He’s totally in love with you and you know it! So why won’t you guys date?

Batgirl: I don’t have to answer this.

Narrator: Nope. You don’t.

[Several seconds pass. The camera lingers on Batgirl’s face with her obviously pursed lips and furrowed brow.]

Batgirl: …Fine. He didn’t seem ready for me. Wasn’t exactly the king of mature relationships, you know? And I’m not obligated to date anyone, whether he’s in love with me or not, if I don’t think he can give me what I need in a relationship.

Narrator: And that’s all crash. But what about now? Do you think he’s mature? Cause if you’re in love with him too–

Batgirl: [blushing] I didn’t say that I was in love with him too!

Narrator: But are you?

[Several more seconds.]

Batgirl: It’d be hard not to be.

Cameraman: That’s what he thinks about you, too.

Batgirl: I know, I just…he’s grown up a lot, after the invasion and all, and not all of the changes are for the better, but he’s still him. My best friend. I can’t plan my future without him in it, whether on this team or not, and…wow. I guess I don’t have any excuses any more.

Narrator: So what are you gonna do about–

[Bumblebee suddenly appears in the shot, waving her arms frantically]

Bumblebee: BG! There’s something wrong with the artificial-gravity generator! It keeps making funky noises and saying “ERROR” over and over again! Did the code get input wrong, or what?

Batgirl: Oh god, it might’ve. Karen, get me to the generator room right now; I’ll see if I can fix the programming.

[Both girls run off. Narrator looks directly into the lens and raises both eyebrows.]

Cameraman: At least they won’t be able to blame us this time.

[]

[Directly outside the artificial-gravity generator room, the Team has all gathered. Most are pressed outside in a large circle, but a lucky few have managed to press their ears to the door. Guardian and Bumblebee wear identical smug looks.]

Miss Martian: I still can’t believe they both believed you guys.

Tigress: What I can’t believe is that it only took half an hour of being locked in there before they started actually talking to each other. Conner, what’re they saying now?

[]

_“Barb, I know I’m not worthy of you. But I still want to try to be. You said I wasn’t ready…you were right. But I want to be ready now, because you’re everything to me Barbara, and though I don’t want to lose the good things we already have, I want to try to–”_

_“Yes.”_

_“…What?”_

_“Yes, Dick. I want that too. I love you.”_

_“…”_

_“Are you crying?”_

_“No, it’s just raining on my face – yes, I’m crying; god I love you too.”_

_“'God’ is a little much; 'Barbara’ or 'Babs’ or 'my girlfriend’ will do just fine in most cases.”_

_“Hey, leave the bad jokes to me, willya?”_

_“No. I want you to shut up right now so I can kiss you. On your face.”_

_“Oh really? Then I will absolutely shut – mmf!”_

[]

Bumblebee: That could be us, but you playin’.

Guardian: Hey!

Bumblebee: Kidding. I love you.

Guardian: I love you too.

Beast Boy: Yeah, yeah, happy V-Day everyone. Hey Robin, wanna go play Overwatch before we have to leave for the Bangladesh mission?

Robin: [smiling at his brother’s happiness despite himself] Only if I get to be Sombra. And could someone please let Nightwing out of there before he asphyxiates from too much kissing?

Tigress: Hang on.

Narrator: [looking directly into the camera and grinning] Well, this may have gone way, way past normal, but still gonna be a pretty great documentary once we stitch it together. Young love triumphs yet again! Crash, huh?

Cameraman: Totally crash. But y'know, it’s kinda weird that everything worked out so well, huh?

Narrator: Don’t question a happy ending, her-man-o.

[From behind the camera, a throat clears loudly. Narrator’s eyes grow very wide. The rest of the Team freezes in place. At nearly the exact same time, Tigress manages to get the door open and Nightwing and Batgirl tumble out, kiss marks all over his face.]

Batman: Am I interrupting something?

Nightwing: [looking up] Bruce! Uh, hi. This…this isn’t what it looks like.

Batgirl: This is exactly what it looks like.

Nightwing: Yeah, okay fine. We’re dating now. It just became official.

Batman: From what I’ve heard, you two have been doing more than dating, for the past YEAR, BEHIND MY BACK.

Nightwing: Oh, fuck.

Tigress: Yeah, that’s what he’s accusing you of doing.

Nightwing: ARTEMIS SHUT UP.

Batgirl: Really, Bruce? This is a surprise to you? Tim figured it out within a month–

Robin: Don’t drag ME into this.

Batgirl: –and you couldn’t figure it out after a whole year? And you call yourself the world’s greatest detective.

[Batman’s eye slits narrow dangerously.]

Cameraman: Okay, this is starting to turn into a Bat-family issue, so maybe the rest of us should all leave now…

Batman: NOBODY IS GOING ANYWHERE.

[]

[Batman sits alone at the conference table, hands folded in front of him. He wears his customary scowl directed right at the camera.]

Batman: The rest of the Team are back on their missions instead of gossiping and meddling, as they should be. Batgirl and Nightwing will be headed back to Gotham and Bludhaven, respectively. And as for you two…

Narrator: Yes, Bruce-man – I mean, Batman?

[Batman’s eyes narrow, before flicking back and forth between the door and the camera. His expression softens.]

Batman: …Good job.

Cameraman: Qué?

Narrator: 'Scuse me?

Batman: They’ve had obvious feelings for each other since he broke up with Zatanna – maybe even before that. And I suppose…if he’s going to date someone…he could do worse than his intelligent, capable best friend. I am NOT happy that they went behind my back, but I am happy that they’re officially together now. [his glare returns] And you are not to breathe a word of this to Barb – Batgirl, even IF she’s your boss, because she will never let me forget I said it.

[In the background, the viewer can hear chatter and banter. For a brief moment as they head towards the zeta tubes, Batgirl and Nightwing are visible within the shot. Nothing about their typical dynamic has changed, except for the fact that they’re holding hands. A respectful moment passes after they leave the Watchtower.]

Narrator: Does this mean that Batgirl’s gonna start calling you Batdad now too?

Batman: Do not.

Narrator: But is she?

Batman: Kid Flash, I swear to god–

Cameraman: [turns the camera to face himself as his companion continues debating the subject. He looks tired, yet affectionate] And so concludes this production on February 14, 2017 at 6:09 p.m. Documentary crashed and burned, but we made a rom-com instead, I think? Anyway, Jaime Reyes and Bart Allen signing off now, please don’t expect any more productions from us any time soon. Adios.

[Camera switches to black]

 

THE END


End file.
